Apr20

More than friends..?

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More than friends..?

Dear Sally,

I have a friend that seems to have feelings for me but I’m not so sure.  His family thinks that he has feelings for me too.  What are some signs I can look for to lead me to the right conclusion?

Dear More than Friends…?

If the guy is close with his family they probably have a good idea of whether or not he is interested in you.  Even if he hasn’t come right out and said so they may be picking up on little hints like that fact that he talks about you a lot or asks if they’ve seen you around lately.

You could wait it out and see if he makes the first move to develop your friendship into more.  On the other hand, if you are interested in him you could nudge things along by  asking him to do something date-like.  Instead of hanging out with a group you could suggest dinner for the two of you alone or going to see a band.  Seeing you alone in a different setting may be just the thing he needs to make him express his feelings.  If it turns out that he doesn’t seem interested in you that way, no harm done.  You’ve had a fun night out with a friend.

Good luck!

Sally

Apr13

No Good With Guys

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No Good With Guys

Hello Ask Sally Sally,

I am definitely no good with guys. I’m always with a guy for a short period of time and then it went all in a crash or flames. What I meant is …I don’t know how to ‘behave’ around a guy and which guy is liking me for me and not liking me because they saw their flaws in me. I decided to take a break from guys …maybe just not to go out with any guys at all. Just be by myself and enjoy what bit of youth I have now but will I miss out the chance of finding the “soul mate” and dating?

Sincerely,

No good with guys gal

Dear No Good with Guys:

First let me say that the only way to “behave” around guys (or anyone for that matter) is to be yourself. You may initially lure a guy your way with a flirty personality or by acting cool but there is no way to keep that up for months or years if it’s not your true personality. You don’t want to start any relationship, romantic or friendly, using a fake personality. There are plenty of people in the world who will like you just the way you are.

I think taking a break from guys for awhile is a great idea. That will give you time to hang out with friends, develop new interests and decide what you really want in a guy. It’s not just his decision whether he wants to be with you – you also have a say in the matter. It’s possible that the reason your relationships haven’t lasted is because the guys weren’t showing their true personality at the beginning either.

Believe me you will find someone. Don’t feel pressure to date right now if you feel like you need a break. Just because you take a few months off I wouldn’t worry that your perfect guy just passed you by. I don’t think that anyone has just one soul mate.

Good luck and have fun!

Sally

Mar12

Vacation Invitation?

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Vacation Invitation?

Dear Sally,

My parents always stay with us when we vacation.  For the past few years, my husband’s parents have been coming to wherever we vacation and staying nearby.  I feel bad not asking them to stay with us (in the same house).  Should I this year?  We get along on the surface, but not in any meaningful way.  My husband doesn’t even get along with them very well.  In addition, my parents and his parents just tolerate one another.  But, I would be heartbroken if my kids didn’t want me around so I feel bad not including them.  Not sure what to do.

Vacation invitation?

Dear Vacation invitation,

I commend you on trying to be kind to your in-laws and invite them to vacation with you.  However, if their own son doesn’t get a long with them there must be a reason.

As the old saying goes, “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”  In this case I would recommend keeping the status quo.  If it works for you and your family to vacation with your parents and for the in-laws to stay near by, just stick with it.  I don’t see any reason to create unneeded commotion during what should be a fun, relaxing time.

As your own children get older and marry they’ll have had a great lesson in how to make things work between different families.  Keep up the good deeds and enjoy your vacation!

Sally

Mar12

Love Loser

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Love Loser

Dear Sally,

there is this guy that i have liked forever….literally. This is the problem;

he has a girlfriend. He used to flirt with me a little like texting and stuff, but he soon stopped. Then, they broke up and he started talking to me again. We talked all the time for a couple of weeks, and it was clear we liked each other, but a few days later the two were back together.

i never see him in school, and when i rarely do, i feel like he avoids me.

im trying to move on but it sucks.

help!

Dear Love Loser,

There are a number of things that could be going on here.  The guy might be interested in just being friends.  He could be using you to make his girlfriend jealous. Or he might be trying to work up the courage to break-up with his girlfriend and ask you out.

It seems that for now you will have to be content with being friends with the guy.

When someone is in a long term relationship it is sometimes hard to move on even if he isn’t happy in the relationship.  Give the guy time to work things out. In the meantime it’s almost spring, the weather is getting nicer and it’s a great time to pick up a new hobby or sport or spend time with your friends.

Good luck!

Sally

Feb15

Too Forward Friend?

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Too Forward Friend?

Hi Sally,

I have a slight dilemma.  Last year a friend of mine let us use her parent’s vacation home for 10 days free-of-charge.  My husband wants me to ask her again this year (although last year she offered…I never asked).

We are friends but haven’t seen each other in years. I wouldn’t even feel comfortable asking a good friend for a favor like this.  It’s not like I’m asking for a cup of sugar…it’s a whole HOUSE!!!!!!  Should I ask?

Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

I need to meet some friends like yours!

Before you even consider asking your friend to use the house you need to think about whether or not you left the vacation house in good order.  Was anything broken, lost, etc. during your visit or did you take good care of the property during your stay?  If, for example, you spilled a bottle of red wine on the living room carpet I would not even consider asking to borrow the house again.

If you feel that you and your family were considerate guests you could try calling your friend to see if it would be possible to rent the vacation home.  The ball is then in her court. She could name a price, she could tell you that they do not want to rent it or she could even suggest that you borrow the house again free of charge.

I think it would be too forward of you to call your friend and ask her straight out if you could have the house for free.  Hopefully, though, your friend will pick up on the hint and you’ll be vacationing there again this year!

Sally

Feb12

Sick of It Sister

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Sick of It Sister

Dear Sally,

My brother is a disaster.  Every time we get together for family functions he drinks too much and then argues and fights with everyone. He has three kids and I have two kids and he carries on in front of them.  When I say “carries on”  I don’t mean he yells a little.  He screams, swears, and sometimes throws things (not at anyone, though). His wife just sits quietly and doesn’t say a thing.

I’m sure he needs help but he has a fit if one of us suggests it.  Not sure what more to do.

Sick of It Sister

Dear Sick of It:

Family is one of the most important things in life.  It’s also one of the most complicated.

There are a couple of ways that you can handle this.  One option is to stop serving alcohol at your family functions.  Even though a lot of people like to enjoy a glass of wine or a beer at family events most will not mind skipping the spirits if it makes the event less chaotic.

You’ve mentioned that when anyone has tried talking to your brother about his behavior he gets angry.  I think it’s worth broaching the subject with him again before a family event rather than in the heat of the moment during one of his outbursts.  Is there someone in the family that your brother really respects such as one of your parents, an aunt or even your husband?  Maybe if one of those people approached him in a non-confrontational way he would be more likely to listen.

I also think that it is important that you talk to your sister-in-law privately.  If your brother acts this crazy in front of other people I have to wonder what is going on at home when no one is around to witness it.

Finally, if you think that it is too disturbing for your children to witness his behavior or you are simply tired of him ruining every get-together you should consider not inviting your brother.  You could tell him that he is not welcome until he has gotten help for his anger/alcohol issues.  Although your brother has never thrown things at anyone there is always the chance that one time his anger could escalate and someone could get hurt.

Good luck.

Sally

Feb7

Out of my mind in the Outer Banks

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Out of my mind in the Outer Banks

Dear Sally Sally,

I hope you can help me. My husband and I have a time-share beach house and we are able to use it once a month. We often invite friends, family and work colleagues for a long weekend.

I have a co-worker friend who is divorced and he is a frequent visitor with his two kids. Somehow he gets the feeling that this is “his time” and he either is on his laptop 24/7 and barely looks up or he trolls the local hotspots “looking for love”. My wife (and I) end up taking responsibility for his kids. There seems to be an expectation that we are babysitters. My kids are 11 and 13 and his kids are 4 and 7.

On a typical 3 day weekend he comes on Friday afternoon, spends a couple hours on his laptop while his kids run around like maniacs. Then we all go to dinner and he said “you all go back to the house, I’m going to stay out for awhile. He came in around 2:00am, slept until noon then was so hung over that he didn’t move from the deckchair until just before dinner. Rinse and repeat on Saturday and Sunday while my wife and I entertained and watched his kids.

I should add that while he is not my boss, he is senior to me at work and could make things uncomfortable. Should I just suck it up and realize this is my babysitting weekend or should I confront him and risk making him mad? My wife is also concerned that we could be liable if something happens to his kids.

Signed,

Out of my mind in the Outer Banks

Dear Out of My Mind:

Most beach houses end up with little unwanted sand in the house – it looks like you have unwanted guests instead.

I do not think that you should let the situation continue as it is.  You’ve paid for the beach house and deserve to be able to relax and enjoy your weekends there doing whatever you want to do.  Your co-worker may be senior to you at work but on the weekends he has no rank over you.

You should confront your co-worker head-on and tell him that you are unhappy with the circumstances.  You can explain that you look forward to this time at the beach house with your family.  Your kids are older and more self-sufficient  and  you do not want to baby-sit his young children.  You can also make it clear that you don’t feel comfortable being responsible for them near the water.

You must decide whether you want to ban your co-worker from the house altogether or you can insist that a paid nanny accompany him if he plans to bring his children for the weekend.

Be prepared – someone who is selfish enough to act this way repeatedly when they are a guest in someone’s home is likely to become angry about your stance.  Be strong and stick to your guns. Stress-free family time is worth an angry co-worker.

Good luck and don’t forget the sunscreen!

Sally

Feb3

Beer Belly in Bellevue

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Beer Belly in Bellevue

Dear Sally,

Well I’m glad your back after such a long hiatus, I have a difficult dilemma. I have not had any alcohol for 6 months. I feel great but recently I am feeling the urge to have a drink socially with my friends. Is it possible to obtain sobriety and then after time drink in social settings.

Beer Belly in Bellevue

Dear Beer Belly,

Congratulations on your sobriety. That is a great accomplishment.

Before deciding weather or not you can drink socially you need to consider your reasons for not drinking in the first place. Did your spouse or children ask you to stop? Was alcohol interfering with your job? Or did you simply want to have a healthier lifestyle?

Your reasons for not drinking will be a big factor in determining whether it’s “safe” for you to have a beer or two with your friends.

You also need to consider why you are having the urge to drink. Do you miss the alcohol or do you miss interacting with your friends? For example, if you’ve been avoiding certain friends because they typically get together at a bar, you could ask those friends to meet to play basketball or do something else instead.

This is a problem that you need to “solve” for yourself. But remember, if you managed to quit drinking for 6 months I’m certain you can do it for another 6 months or six years if you need to.

Cheers to you and good luck,
Sally

Feb3

Bad Gift Recipient

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Bad Gift Recipient

Dear Sally,

My mother-in-law gives BAD gifts.  There really is no nice way to put it.  This will make me sound materialistic, but that can’t be avoided.  I am not sure if I should tactfully say something or just let it go.

An example of her gifts include items that look like they came from a garage sale…sometimes worse.  She has given me, my husband, and kids gifts that are in the original package but that are tattered or from 15 years ago (clearly not purchased from a store in this decade).   Once she went to a church that was selling resin statues, ornaments, etc of the church itself. It wasn’t even our church and all of the items were dated from years ago.  Most of the gifts she gives we donate to the Goodwill(although I doubt they have a use for them either).  One plus to it all is that I can use them in White Elephant gift exchanges and my friends and I have had a lot of good laughs over the crazy things she’s bought.

Do I say something or not?  Help!

Sincerely,

Bad gift recipient

Dear Bad Gift Recipient:

Well, the old saying goes, “ It’s the thought that counts.”    But I’m sure that person has never received a plastic church statue as a birthday gift.

Perhaps your in-laws are having financial troubles and aren’t able to spend a lot of money on gifts.  But with the abundance of $1 stores around I’m not sure why she wouldn’t head there to shop.  There’s also the chance that your Mother-in-law actually thinks that these gifts are something that you would like.  Or she might just be cheap.

You’ll probably never know the reason for your in-laws’ unusual gifts.

Still, I don’t think you should confront your in-laws.  Maybe you could simply steer them in another direction.  When your  birthday approaches you could say something like, “ I know your busy and don’t have time to shop.  Maybe we can just go to dinner instead.”

In the end it is up to the gift giver what they choose to give for a present.  The reason for a gift is to give someone a source of enjoyment.  In that case you’re mother-in-law has succeeded.  It seems like you have gotten a million dollars worth of stories and laughs at her presents over the years.

Good luck!

Sally

Jan27

Sleepy in Seattle

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Sleepy in Seattle

Dear Sally,

I’m at my wits end.  I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in at least a week.  My husband snores.  It’s not every night but it definitely gets worse if he is stuffed up or has had a few drinks.  Unfortunately, he’s had a cold for the last few days.

I try waking him but he always insists that he’s not snoring.  We’ve gotten into several fights about it and end up arguing in the middle of the night.  He suggests that I wear earplugs to bed.  I hate how they feel in my ears and I need to be able to hear my kids if they wake up.

Help!

Sleepy in Seattle

Dear Sleepy in Seattle,

It sounds like you’re dealing with a pretty common and very annoying problem.

First you need to decide if  you want to prove to your husband that he is snoring or if you just want to get a good night’s sleep.  If you prefer the first option you could try video taping the snorer in action.  The problem is that you will become more wide awake if  you are fumbling around in the middle of the night with a camera.  Also, most cameras project light when they are filming.  You risk waking your spouse then having to explain why you are inches from his face in the middle of the night with a video camera.

Instead of capturing the proof on film you could try poking him and asking him to roll over.  Sometimes the change of position will help stop the snoring.  Your noisy bedmate can also try using breathe-right strips or something else to keep his nasal passages open.  The most sensible (and easiest) idea is to simply move to another room.  If you don’t have a spare bed or think that your couch is too uncomfortable to spend the night, invest in a sleeping bag and set-up in another room.

Your husband may be offended that you’re not sleeping in bed with him, but you need to stay strong and do what’s best for you. You can never underestimate the power of a satisfactory night of sleep to improve your mood and your immune system.

Sweet Dreams!

Sally